HAVE YOU BEEN TO HELEN'S?

MOST OF YOU have never actually been in "Helen's Bar.” And probably won't be, unless you happen to live in the town where she runs it. Even then, you may not be able to discover where it is. If you're lucky enough to do so, you will still have to arrange for an "introduction" before you can enjoy it to the full.

... don't scream at your mother . . .

If you do, "Mother" Helen is likely to scream right back at you and throw you out. "The obvious homosexual is in the minority," she says. "I think he brings the censure of the public not only on himself, but is the main cause of all adverse judgment against the group as a whole. He is such a rebel and such an exhibitionist that he is held as an example of the homosexual. I do not welcome this type in the bar. I am rude to them, watch them so closely for any infraction of my arbitrary rules, that they soon leave."

hit him with your beaded bag, May . .

"When tourists arrive," Helen reports, "I walk along the bar and talk to two or three couples and give them the following instructions:

"'One of you turn and look at those in the booth. When you see they are looking at you, say something to the other, then you both laugh. Say another bit and laugh again.'

"After this treatment is repeated several times, our unwelcome guests drink up real fast and go. A bit of laughter follows them and we have the case of the biter being bitten."

Helen will show you there's more than one way of getting rough and standing up for your "rights."

and away we go.

"I took over for a bar owner who wanted to change his place to a gay bar. In several months I became quite experienced. Later he fired me in order to bring in someone else. This new host had a reputation for a following and the boss thought he'd hold my group and acquire his. It did not work that way. Many of my own friends followed me and the new fellow was fired after a month.'